Civil War

It's late. Everyone else is sleeping, and my house is quiet. I should be in bed too, yet before my body can rest, my pen beckons to put my mind to rest.

These past months have been challenging for me. I have wrestled with what I know is the Truth, versus what my emotions are telling me is the truth. I am emotionally weary, and mentally exhausted from this internal battle.

Like static noise on the radio, discontentment threatens to drown out the life God has given me here. Living in the city has felt harsh at times. As grateful as I have been that my husband has a job he enjoys, the new reality of the long hours that come with that job have made our time together feel like ships passing in the night too often. Feeling trapped between wanting to minister to neighbors, and also shelter my children from the vulgar behavior of those neighbors has been arduous. The constant noise of city life as opposed to the relative quiet we enjoyed before has felt stark and cold. The allure of "going back" to the way things used to be has pulled strongly, and looking behind me with rose colored glasses to remember the life we used to have has been a compelling temptation.

Moments when I am so very fragile, the enemy has sidled up to me to whisper lies, pretending to be my friend. "Did God really say . . .?"

And again I am faced with a choice. Succumb to self-pity, and the lie that life is harder here, or choose to trust in God's goodness, and the Truth of His purposes for me.

When the poor and needy seek water,
    and there is none,
    and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
    I the God of Israel will not forsake them.

I will open rivers on the bare heights,
    and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
    and the dry land springs of water.

 I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
    the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
    the plane and the pine together, 

 that they may see and know,
    may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
    the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Isaiah 41:17-20 

No matter where I am living, I am a struggling sinner in need of grace every single moment. God brought me here. Who am I, to question him? Milwaukee is the 3rd poorest city in the United States. At times, it has felt like a desert. A desert of unkindness, a desert of hopelessness, a desert of faithlessness. Yet he has called me here, to plant me here and make this desert flower. Not because I am special or have anything to offer in and of myself, but because I have Christ living in me, and through me, these people "may see and know, may consider and understand together, that the hand of the Lord has done this."

When I have had a hard day, or am feeling particularly homesick, it is easy to forget the times that I have had the love of God incredibly lavished on me in tangible ways.

The time shortly after Isaiah was born, and I was feeling so alone, when I talked to a nurse on the phone for a routine postpartum consultation and she commented that she loved Isaiah's "good, strong, Biblical" name. Based on her verbiage throughout the conversation, I took a leap of faith and asked if she might be a believer. She laughed and said that yes, she was and she took the time to encourage me and pray for me. A complete stranger! 

Or the time when I was grocery shopping with three squirrely kiddos and a fussy, crying newborn in the checkout line and a kind woman offered to unload my groceries for me.

Kind strangers from our new homeschool group offered to move us into our new home before they had ever met our family.

God continues to work in my heart. He is good. His love for me is unfailing, because of his precious Son. I continue to fight this civil war between my mind and heart, and he is there helping me. Reminding me that I am not alone, and that I can trust him. My ultimate desire is to make him look glorious, no matter where I am. Some days may still be hard. Sometimes I will still wish for things to be the way the were, but by God's grace, I will continue to fight for contentment, and pray for God to use me here. "For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit." - Romans 8:5 This world is ultimately not my home. I choose to rejoice in God's favor toward me, that he has chosen me to be his child, and that he will use me to accomplish his will in Milwaukee.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.