The last few weeks have been a perfect example of why I am not very good at blogging regularly! I have been in the kitchen (much) more than usual lately, baking, and storing away goodies for the holidays. The cooler weather has also prevented me from spending as much time outdoors, so with more time inside, I have had the itch for crocheting. By "itch" I mean crocheting-every-spare-minute-I-can-get-my-hands-on kind of thing. I'm still more on the beginner end of the spectrum, so I've mostly been learning new stitches, and pulling those out, and learning some more. I have completed a few projects, but I'll save those for another post, another day.
To be completely honest, I haven't felt like I've had much worth saying lately. I've been reading many of your blogs, and shrank back from writing feeling like I'm not eloquent enough, or witty enough, or interesting enough . . . and the list goes on. I am often amazed that some of the busy moms I follow are able to find time to post two (or even three) blog posts a week! It makes me wonder what on earth I'm doing with my day. After all, I'm not working, and I only have one little love to take care of during the day - many of these incredible ladies have three or four!
Ah, how easily I am ensnared by comparing myself to others. I haven't lost pregnancy weight as quickly as so and so, I'm not as creative as this person, I'm not as thrifty as this mom, I look so frumpy next to my always put-together friend, I don't know the Bible as well as this person, etc. You see what I mean? I'm sure I'm not the only human being to fall into this trap, but it doesn't justify staying here for long!
One of the things I've been challenged by lately in this ongoing process of being shaped by Christ to become who I was meant to be in Him, is to give of myself. He created me and is still shaping me to be a certain way - different from anyone else on the planet. Now I'm not talking about some cliché self-esteem "being satisfied with who I am" kind of thing. This goes so much deeper than that. I have been created with a unique personality, certain abilities, and physique that is purposed for God's glory, and not my own.
So much of the time I feel too vulnerable sharing pieces of myself with others because I am afraid it won't measure up to someone else. This kind of thinking is rooted in my selfish, sinful nature where I feel the need to make myself look good. And of course, I can't look good unless I look better than somebody else. I feel like I don't have as much to offer as someone else, so I just don't offer anything at all.
How wrong I am! God really called me out on this in a recent sermon by John Piper. God's grace never ceases to amaze me. Through Piper's words, God gently reminded me: I have Christ (Romans 8:10). I have the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19). I have the Word of God (1 Corinthians 2:13). I have spiritual gifts (1 Peter 4:10). I am a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). And I am a fountain (John 4:14; 7:38). So, no excuses! God has not called me to be the most intellectual, the most educated, the most "relevant," or even the best author. He only calls me to give of myself - of my soul, not for what I can get out of it, but for His glory.
I still struggle with being a "people pleaser" . . . "Oh, if I write this, people are going to think I'm being 'too spiritual' and it will turn people off." or "I know this is how I've been feeling lately, but if I share that, it will make me sound too pathetic."
I want to be authentic! I want to relax in Jesus and be who I am - struggles and all. Friends, there is so much freedom in being able to hide nothing! I hope that the Lord will move all of us, to be fountains - life giving, soul sharing, fountains. By His sweet, amazing grace, Jesus is shaping my heart to be this way. I am thankful, and I pray that you will join me!